you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
