when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
