dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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