That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
