im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
