Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
