I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
