yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize