There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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