Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
