Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
