I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
