girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
