The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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