May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think your dad took our porno
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
