It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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