My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
