Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
