I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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