You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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