the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
