On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
