I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
