I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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