Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
