The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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