I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
