I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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