Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
