from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
