sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
