who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
