I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
