i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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