I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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