i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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