how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
