I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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