when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize