I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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