Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
