Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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