don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
nutella sex= disaster
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize