I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
