on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
