I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
