I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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