i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
