I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
