my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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