I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
