The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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