just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
