so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
