the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
