Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
