I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
