At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
